I’ll never forget when I was in the second grade, we had a police officer visit my class one day and teach us about stranger danger. Among the typical “stick with a buddy” or “don’t walk in a dark alley” rules of thumb was one that stuck with me the most: act retarded.

I’m not kidding. This officer taught us to run in circles, bark like a dog, start scratching, try to bite your ear, because why would a child predator want to kidnap a retard? (his words, not mine)

Anyway, as “offensive” the language of this lesson may be nowadays, I’ve found that it’s never come more in handy than in my profession today. When someone insults me, defames my character, or just plain annoys me, I shoot back with the same exact inanity they did me. It works every time. And it’s fun!